Posts Tagged ‘Breast C ancer’

A Few Bad Days…

…and the fight rages on. 

Some good days, some bad days, but all “God” days!

Tarah shares more of her journey …and more encouragement!

I hate this.  There, I said it.  I’ve been scared to say it.  I’ve been scared to feel it.

I’m a positive person, by nature.  I have just never seen the point in moping around and complaining about things.  If you’re not happy with something, change it.  End of story.  The last few days, I have been a very negative person.  I have actually been making a conscious effort to be positive so that I would have something to write on here, and it’s SO frustrating that I can’t.  I try to keep busy and think about non-cancer things, but then I get tired or my pain increases and I’m reminded that I can’t keep busy or think about non-cancer things.

I went to work on Monday and had such an awesome day! I felt so great when I got home that I went grocery shopping with Justin and Noah.  Then, the next morning (yesterday), I work up determined to have another awesome day, even though I didn’t get hardly any sleep.  My body pretty much broke down after only two hours there.  I rushed home, got sick, and simply collapsed into a coma-like sleep on the couch.  I woke up tired and frustrated that my awesome days seemed to be limited to one-at-a-time.  I had an awesome time last week building a table and benches with my dad! It was fantastic to feel productive and energetic again! But, all that work came back to bite me in the butt and caused several days of severe pain and fatigue. 

I hate feeling like this.  I hate this negativity! I hate the fact that this is just the way it’s gonna be for a while.  Everything now revolved around how I’m feeling, my chemo treatments, my doctor’s visits, etc. I can’t even plan a birthday party for Noah this month without worrying about when it’s going to fall in my treatment cycle!

Today, I was reading about God’s Grace with Noah (Ark Noah, not my Noah). I read about how Noah was on the Ark and probably feeling very lonely and completely overwhelmed by what was ahead.  I mean, he had to re-populate the Earth! But, then, God comforted him with a rainbow.  That rainbow, that promise, was exactly what Noah needed right then. 

Yesterday, I had a really bad day.  I surrounded myself with so much self-pity and, therefore, self-disgust that it literally took me all day to realize what God had done.  I was in almost no pain all day!!!! I mean, it was dialed down so much that I even forgot to change my super-narcotic pain patch!

Aside from that, at my doctor’s appointment yesterday, my doc was doing an exam and she was checking on one of the smaller tumors in a lymph node under my arm that was walnut-size when I started my chemo. She couldn’t find it! She dug all up in my armpit and could not feel it at all!! She said, “Amazing!”

I am so ashamed that I was so completely buried in self-pity that I didn’t even realize what God was doing! He was trying to comfort me and I was ignoring Him. 

Last night, I read some of my messages on FB, and my friend, Jennifer’s message to me that she was woken up the night before to pray for me, and it all just hit me at once!

People everywhere are praying for me and God is answering those prayers! He is with me every day through this; even the crappy ones! And, even when….no ESPECIALLY when I’m lost in despair, He will do whatever needs to be done to bring me out of it so that I can see Him surrounding me!  I am so grateful that He loves the ungrateful!!

I felt His love and His comfort last night as I prayed with my husband.  All of the pain left my body as we prayed and I got a good night’s sleep for the first time in weeks.  Today, I’m in a little pain, I’m a lot nauseous, and I’m tired. But, for the first time in DAYS, I’m feeling positive again!


Read Part 1: A PINK CHRISTMAS here…

Read Part 2: Round 1 of Her Fight here…

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