Last month I posted the start of Tarah’s battle with Breast Cancer (A PINK CHRISTMAS)
…today we’re continuing her journey:
Last night, as I was reading my devotional in my new “Breast Cancer Awareness” Bible that my mom got for me, I was drawn to a Scripture on the page next to the devotional that I was reading. It was completely unrelated to my devotional, and I just know that God directed my eyes toward it. It was Romans 12:21: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Now, this principle is nothing new to me; it’s a pretty basic Christian philosophy. It ties in with a lot of other basic Christian philosophies: “Love your neighbor”, “Turn the other cheek”, “Don’t let Satan bring you down”, (Obviously paraphrasing a little.) etc. But, over the course of the last month or so, I’ve learned that there are many forms of evil. Or, more accurately, that evil comes at you in many forms. It comes at you emotionally, mentally, spiritually and, of course, physically. Evil can come at you through people – people who Satan uses to bring you down. I work at the Lake Jackson Municipal Court. If you have ever gotten a speeding ticket, you know that you have 10 days to contact the court to let them know if you’re going to pay the ticket or take defensive driving….well, I’m one of the people you would come to. Last Monday, I tried going back to work. I even almost made it a full day before I got so dizzy that I had to have my husband come and pick me up. Right before I left for my lunch hour, a man came in who must have been in his mid-sixties. He handed me his defensive driving certificate and started to walk out. I told him to give me a minute, as I needed to make sure he was within his deadline before I could accept it. It turns out that he wasn’t within his deadline. The judge had even granted him an extension, but he didn’t complete the course until two days after his deadline. I told him that I was sorry, but that after the judge grants an extension, there’s nothing I can do. He started yelling (which is not unusual) about how he has been in and out of the hospital with emphysema and simply couldn’t get it done in time. I apologized again and told him that I was sure that the judge took that into consideration when he was granted the extension. The man then said, “I pray to God that he gives you an incurable disease and you have to take this stupid class so that you have to go through what I’ve had to go through!” I responded, “Well, Sir, it just so happens that I’ve just been diagnosed with an incurable breast cancer, and I DO have to take defensive driving next month, so I guess I will have to go through what you’ve been through.” He answered, “Good.” before he turned and left. I was so angry that I was literally shaking on my way home on my lunch break. I was just so MAD that there are some people in this world who can be so utterly cruel over something as simple as a speeding ticket! Once I calmed down, I realized that Satan through this man in my path to try to bring down the joy that God had already given me that day, through a HUGE act of kindness from my co-workers. It shames me that it worked, even for a few minutes. But, believe that I’ll be ready the next time Satan tries to steal my joy!
Aside from the evil, I’ve also learned in the last month or so that good comes in many more forms. Good comes from people you barely know showing you humbling amounts of love and generosity, or people you don’t know at all sending you a card just to say that they’re praying. Good comes from random strangers telling you that you’re beautiful or from your son rubbing your cheek and saying “I love you, Mommy!” Good comes from a sympathetic smile, an understanding nod, an “I’ll pray for you.” or just from a hug. God has surrounded me with overwhelming acts of love and kindness and generosity and goodness that it has been really hard to pay the evil any mind.
I owe that to all of the people who God has surrounded me with. I thank Him every single day for giving me those people, because they are going to play a huge part in my day-to-day attitude.
The day-to-day part has already started getting kind of tough. My first chemo treatment was on December 1st. Afterward, the first few days were just some random nausea and dizziness – kind of like morning sickness, but I never actually vomited. Around the 4th or 5th day, it was mainly just dizziness and fatigue, but it’d come on so suddenly without any warning! I would literally be sitting, playing with my son on the floor, and lay my head down on the couch and be asleep! I’d wake up 30 seconds later, feeling completely refreshed and ready to go! I started losing my taste for stuff almost immediately, but it’s gotten progressively worse every day. I got some V8 fruit drinks and Ensure shakes to make sure I at least have something in my stomach when I can’t force anything else down. The 2nd treatment was worse, but kicked in a little later. The first couple days after the 2nd treatment were totally fine! Hardly any symptoms at all except for fatigue. When the dizziness and nausea hit, they hit hard! I actually DID vomit that time, and I’ve had to start taking daily naps. I tried to keep working, at least a few hours from home, but between the symptoms and the stress of not getting any work done because of the symptoms, I was causing myself too much stress and pain that my doc told me to take a couple of weeks off. Since then, all of my symptoms have toned down except for the pain. When I saw my doctor last, on December 21st, she said that a lot of the pain is coming from the tumor “nucrosing” or liquefying as it dies, and all of the excess fluid builds up and swells. So, I’m in pain because my tumor is dying! This is awesome news, but I have to force myself to be happy about being in so much pain. Honestly, a small part of me wishes it were some kind of infection that we could treat and then move on pain-free. But, the bigger part of me is extremely grateful that I am able to have this pain, because it’s a confirmation that the chemo is working! Other types of breast cancer, or any cancer for that matter, have no way to indicate whether or not the chemo is working. They just have to go through their treatments hoping and praying, and then have another PET scan at the end to see how much, if any, of their cancer was killed. So, I THANK GOD that I’m in pain, and I THANK GOD that I have a rare, painful kind of cancer.
My hair started falling out last Monday, December 20th, which was exactly 2 1/2 weeks after my first chemo treatment. As you may know, I had already gotten rid of most of it, but I didn’t want to look like I had mange, so I asked my hubby to shave the rest of it. And, you know what? It wasn’t sad! I thank God for my husband and my sister for helping me make a sad thing into a fun group shaving party!
The worst thing about all of this is the frustration. I hate not knowing what’s coming. I hate being up and cleaning the house and have to sit down every few minutes to steady myself. I hate not being able to look at the computer for too long, because it makes me wanna hurl. I HATE not being able to work; regardless of how awesome and understanding the women are that I work with, I was raised to do my job and do it to the best of my ability and it irks me that my ability has been diminished. I’m not quite a control freak, but I like being in control nonetheless, so the hardest part of this for me has been to remind myself over and over and over that it’s okay that I’m not in control,….because God is!
God has given me the Scripture Isaiah 55:8-9 through two different sources; it says “My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways…” This reminds me that God’s Will, thoughts, plans, and love are completely out of our world! We try so hard to see and understand God’s Plan and purpose for us, but we just can’t! There is no way we could ever understand the intricate steps He’s always planned for us, or the ones He has in store. So, why try? He’ll show me what I need to see when I need to see it. I just have to pray that I’m ready and able to recognize it when it comes and act on it in pure, courageous faith!
Tomorrow, I have my 3rd chemo treatment. I’m learning that it doesn’t matter what I expect, because every day is different. I just pray that I have a good day full of laughs and smiles! THANK YOU ALL for your continual prayer and support! I love hearing from everyone about what God’s doing in your life, so please keep the messages coming! They bring me so much joy and comfort! Thank you all again for keeping me in your hearts and God bless you all throughout the New Year!!!
Tarah
Please take time today to pray for Tarah and all those you know fighting this disease.
Read Part 1: A PINK CHRISTMAS here…
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